Thursday, January 28, 2010

On Letting Go and Letting God

Since I was a little girl I have dreamed of being a mom.
I can't wait to have precious little ones running through our house, hear them laughing, hold them in my arms. My mom got pregnant right away when her and Dad got married, and I kind of expected the same for myself.
So here I am, 16 months and two miscarriages later, and I'm discouraged. I was 8 weeks along in my second pregnancy before I miscarried, and I was already picking out names and clothes, planning where to set up a cradle. I was watching the baby development charts. My baby's little heart was beating.
Lately I've found myself feeling sad when someone says they are pregnant or when I see a mom with a new baby, or when I see a dad playing with his little boy or girl,
totally wrapped around their little finger. Why do I do that? It's not like just because it hasn't happened for us yet it won't ever happen. Even if it never does happen, that means it wasn't God's will for Josh and I. He has other plans.

My mom has told me many times that sometimes God is just waiting for you to lay it down and leave it up to Him. It's really in His hands anyway. Sometimes He wants to hear us say, "I trust You. You know my hearts desire. Your will be done. If my will is not Your will, please help me to accept that. Please make my will, Your will."

So this is my prayer from now on. And when I hear that a friend is pregnant, I will
be so happy for them. My cousin is 4 months
along with twin boys. My best friend is pregnant with her second baby. I'm not just saying that I'll be happy. I really will be. It's such a blessing. Precious little lives being given to loving, wonderful parents.
When I see a mom with a new baby I'll enjoy that sweet picture and try to steal a little of that great joy.

When I see a dad playing with his little one,
I'll smile and enjoy the sight. Sometimes it makes me think of how God must feel for His children. He loves us so much.
Does this mean that I won't cry sometimes when I think of my babies? Of course not. Does it mean that I won't still hope and pray for children? No. It just means that from now on I won't let it rob my joy for others, and I won't worry about it. I'm going to trust God. I'm laying my desire down at His feet. I'm letting go.

This post is maybe a little uncharacteristic for me, but it's been on my mind and I wanted to share. :-)


LadySnow said...

Thank you for sharing your heart Brittany. God has blessed you in so many ways. You are a wonderful lady and you will be a great Mama one day. :-)

Seasons of Life said...

"For MY thoughts are not Brittany's thoughts, neither are Brittany's ways MY ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

"For I know the plans I have for Brittany, declares the Lord, plans for WHOLENESS and not for evil, to GIVE Brittany a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

"Your eyes saw Brittany's unformed substance; in your book were written, EVERY one of them, the days that were formed for Brittany, when as yet there were none of them." Psalm 139:16

(emphasis & personalization added)

To rest in knowing that the Lord is sovereign over all matters...He cares for you...even when there is doubt and question, KNOW that His way is perfect, His timing is perfect, His plan is for His glory and YOUR good as a child of His.

Wise counsel from your mom ~ lay it at His feet, give your desire to Him...for His power IS made perfect in our weakness. =)

Be encouraged as you wait on the Lord these days ahead...

Jenna said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, Brittany. It is wonderful that you are trusting in the Lord, although it may be tough.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."
~ Proverbs 3:5-6 ~

These two verses truly help me when I have any doubts. Jesus knows our hearts, and He knows what's on your heart, Brittany.
May the Lord bless you today and always. You are going to be a great mother one day! :)

Many Blessings,

Marci said...

Oh my dear sweet Daughter-in-love. That is the only way to handle it. There is joy in laying it down. Many times it is bittersweet. Much love and big hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Oh....such emotion in your words. I have tears in my eyes. I can't say I know you pain, but I can imagine it. I pray the Lord grants you the desries of your heart. I pray he also gives you peace and a full household.

Rachel said...

I love you, Britt!

Jthemilker said...

I just wanted to say that you are not alone in your struggles. I've been trying to get pregnant for about 7 years. I've struggled with wondering why the Lord would give me the desire to have children, but not grant that desire. I even prayed that he'd take the desire away if that is not His will. It hasn't gone away. There will be children for us... just not sure when or how. I have no idea what the future holds, but like you... I shall not let this alter my joy in the precious lives of others. Let go and let God take the wheel. May the Lord grant you His sweet blessings in His time.

Sharri said...

Dear Britt,
My heart goes out to you as you are going through this trial, but I am so encouraged by your attitude and trust in the Lord.
He will reward you for it--and you will grow through it.
May He always be All that you need.

We're praying for you!

Laura said...

I can say that I understand.... and I can also testify that laying our burdens and desires at God's feet brings not just healing it helps our faith grow! The verses that God has placed on my heart the last few months come from Psalm 25- it is a great chapter... but verses 4-5 have really impacted me. It says, "Show me Your ways O LORD, teach me Your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
I have really been wanting a sibling for Katie- she's 3 now and I realized wow- if I got pregnant this year she'd be 4ish and that's really spacing kids apart! I wanted my kids to be closer together than that! But God is teaching me that that is how *I* wanted things and not how HE wants them. His ways are not our ways. Really realizing this has changed my prayer from "Dear God please bless us with children." to "Show me Your way's Lord". There's a peace in trusting Him that truly does pass all understanding.
I have a testimony to go with that, just this week God has opened doors for us. It looks like we will be getting a baby girl from Haiti in just a couple weeks! I'm thrilled at the possibility of adopting! I understand clearly why His ways aren't like mine- why He doesn't let my life be planned the way I thought I wanted it to be- because His ways are WAY better.
I know you trust Him, continue to rest in Him and let that Fatherly Love that He has for us, His children, bring you peace!
You are a beautiful woman, God's love shines through you! He's got great plans for you! I'm excited to see him continue to work in your life!
Love, Laura

Brittany said...

Thank you all so much for the encouragement. It really means a lot!

Jeff said...

Oh Brittany, my first little girl. You have set such a wonderfully high standard for your sisters and my heart is so full of love and respect for you. Mom and I are so pleased to be known as your parents. You have been obedient, for the sake of Christ, because He deserves it, because you love Him, not because you were trading up for something you wanted. He promises sacrifice is always followed by blessings. He will choose your blessings. He will choose when, where, and how. It will be His perfect will. As you let go, run to Him, praise Him, and worship Him. He is enough. Your entire Blubaugh and Brower family join you and Josh at the foot of the cross. And knowing His great love for you we join you both in asking Him for the desires of your heart. May His desires be yours. His blessings will be poured out for you, pressed down, and still running over. You are that kind of blessing to us. Thank you my sweet little girl.

Joy said...

Even in these times we can KNOW our God is SO good!! From the dawn of time just as He knew and planed for our salvation thru Christ, He saved our little-ones too. Our children which He calls back to Himself before we hold them, He planed salvation for these tiny souls too. What a WONDERFUL God we serve, His blessings are overwhelming.
I lost two little-ones before God gave us a child to raise here on earth. I have lost many more interspersed between my boys, including 2 second tri losses in the past year.
What a mighty God! Even in the pain of loss we know our babies are being loved beyond the love we could give, and living a life fully devoted to praising our Father.